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HAPPY FATHER’S DAY

6/6/2020

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PictureMike and Leah at the 2019 Run
By Mike Wheeler, a sad dad​

Finally! The perspective of a straight, cis, white male!

Just kidding. This is not a men’s rights post, don’t worry. But it does feel strange for me to be sharing the point of view of a somewhat under-represented group of people: loss dads!

I’m lucky to be married to Leah, who you may know as the person who currently runs the Ottawa Butterfly Run social media accounts and who has also contributed to this blog. Last year, after many years of very exciting medical stuff, Leah became pregnant with our daughter Eliza. On August 15th, Eliza was stillborn at 29 weeks. As far as we know, her death was due to a cord accident.

In the days and weeks after Eliza was born, we received a tremendous amount of support both from The Ottawa Hospital and Roger Neilson House where we began to see our amazing social worker and attend group grief counselling. We were already incredibly lucky to have a strong support network from friends and family, but the we found that nobody really knows how to handle folks who have just lost a baby. We didn’t know how to handle ourselves. We’ll be forever grateful to the professionals at Roger Neilson House who have showed us tremendous guidance and support through our grief.

While we were still in the hospital, we learned about The Butterfly Run. I love to run, and Leah comes from a big running family (she is more of a walker herself) and it seemed like something toward which we could direct a little of our energy and do something productive while we were totally lost in our grief.

The event was great, and we were able to raise a little money to give back to the folks who were able to hold us up when we were at our lowest. Leah immediately decided she wanted to get involved in the next year’s run and volunteered to help out.

And I wrote this blog post!

Being a dad is hard, but so is writing about being a dad.

I keep writing, deleting, and re-writing this paragraph. I’ve been struggling to talk about my experience as a dad because I keep feeling like anything I say about it is going to come across as being in opposition to the experience of being a mom. Or even worse, I’m worried about minimizing the experience of others. When I start writing about how dads get sad too, my inner-critic chimes in and says “are you saying that you’re more sad than moms or just that you deserve more attention than you’re getting?” And obviously, this is not the attitude with which I want to portray sad dads.

I voiced these concerns to a wiser and much much much older dad, and he helped me realize that this is actually the perspective that I should be sharing.

So at the risk of sounding like a big whiny complainer, let’s fire up the BBQ, put on our favourite novelty apron, and get ready for my fatherly insecurities!

Sad dads and bummed mums.

Leah and I make an excellent team. She knows the depths of my grief and I know hers and that works out great. In the early days after coming home without Eliza, we found that we would tag-team feeling destroyed. It was incredibly fortunate that one of was usually okay enough to support the other.

I mention all of this because I have always felt like we’re deep in this together and we’re sharing one grief journey and the experience of becoming Eliza’s parents. Our paths aren’t always the same and our highs and lows can differ, but we’re a single parenting unit. But we don’t always get treated that way.

While in the hospital, Leah was offered appointments and consultations with the psychiatric unit to make sure her brain was in good working order. I didn’t receive the same offer. When we left the hospital, Leah began her 16 weeks of maternity leave. I got five bereavement days from my employer for the death of my child. (Don’t worry, I got my doctor to write me off on stress leave so that I could take care of Leah while she recovered from her c-section.)

I love to talk about our experience and to tell people about Eliza, and the first question out of everyone’s mouth when the hear about what happened is “how is your wife?” It’s an important question, and one that I am also very concerned about, but pretty frequently, the follow-up question, “how are you doing” never arrives.

Moms and dads: the same but different?

I think that this all comes from two places:

  1. Nobody knows anything about how to handle folks who have experienced a stillbirth or infant loss because not a lot of people talk about it. From what I can tell, this is slowly changing, which is great. But I’ll be the first to admit that I had no idea about any of this stuff before it happened to us.
  2. Most dudes still don’t like showing emotion even in the year two-thousand and twenty! The idea that talking about being sad will be perceived as a weakness is itself a terrible weakness. Leah has been able to find large online communities of loss-moms. It’s not quite the same out there for loss-dads.

I hope that didn’t all come across as too whiny or dramatic. As much as Leah and I are an elite parenting team, there’s no point in pretending that we’ve had the exact same experience. The first example that comes to mind is that I got to talk to Eliza and feel her moving around, but she wasn’t - you know - inside of my body. How this should impact people’s concern for our well-being, I’m honestly not sure.

I don’t have a fix for any of this, but I am going to be out here talking about this stuff, so maybe that will be a small nudge in the right direction.


Along with his partner, Leah, Mike hosts a podcast called Baby Quest that is about exactly this kind of stuff. He can also be found on Twitter @TheMikeWheeler, even though it’s not good for his mental health to be on there.
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Coping with the Holidays

11/30/2019

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Leah, a mom for The Butterfly Run Community, has put together a thoughtful post about coping with the upcoming Holiday season. We thank her for the time and energy she to put into it. 

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The holidays are always tricky, but they become even more difficult when you are experiencing infertility or pregnancy and infant loss. The time of year that is supposed to bring joy and happiness often leaves those who are suffering feeling alone and thinking of what could have been.

This year, after my daughter Eliza was stillborn in August, I’ve been dreading Christmas. Standing in the aisle at Canadian Tire looking a decorations brought me to tears one day. So I reached out to other parents who have walked this journey to asking for advice.

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How do you cope with the holidays?

Overwhelmingly, everyone said to be kind and gentle with yourself and on that day do whatever you need. If you wake up the day of the party and you just don’t feel you can handle it, give yourself permission to cancel and not go. You may want to tell the hosts that you won’t be coming, or warn them when you RSVP that there is always a chance you might not feel up to it that day.

Other people interpret the idea of doing what they need as skipping the big holiday dinner all together. (Honestly, some days this doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me.) I had a few people tell me they left the city, and went on vacation.

Another great piece of advice is if you do decide to brave the holiday functions have an escape plan. For us, that means warning the hosts beforehand that you might need to leave unexpectedly. I’ve heard from others to have a “safe word” with your partner that tells them it’s time to leave.

I also received lots of ideas from parents about how they include the child they lost in their holiday traditions. For some, that means having the child’s name included on cards. Another idea is having an ornament for the tree, which is something we have done for ourselves and also close family members. One mum told me how she has an ‘Angel Tree’ for her daughter and as they find or are given new ornaments, they add them to the tree. I thought this was such special way to include her daughter at Christmastime.

The last, and probably the suggestion that felt most impactful to me, was the idea of donating a toy to a local charity appropriate to the child’s age. This year, we will be donating something for an infant. I loved this idea so much because it is very actionable and it makes me feel like a parent. I’m hoping this will be a tradition we can carry on for years to come.

I have no doubt this Christmas is going to be difficult, but hopefully I can take some of this great advice and make it a little easier. I hope whatever your journey is, you have a happy and safe holiday season and that the New Year brings you lots of joy.

- Leah

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Personal Loss story: community member rosa

8/20/2018

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In hopes of supporting other families in their grief, we make an effort to share personal loss stories from our Committee and members of our community. Today Melina, a local member of our community, shares her story about the  loss of her daughter Rosa. Please read her story, in her words:
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Our Angel Baby

​The minute I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was in love. Words cannot describe how happy my husband and I were. My first pregnancy, a baby girl, healthy, strong, and very active! We named her Rosa Leia as in Princess Leia.

For the first month we didn’t tell anyone because we wanted to wait for Christmas to surprise just our immediate families. So for my family we were all sitting down for Christmas eve dinner, I stand up saying I want to take a picture of everyone. They ask what about you? I say well I like taking pictures not being in them. So they let that go and little did they know I was videotaping. Now that everyone’s ready, I say everybody say Melina’s pregnant. Everyone went silent, and then they freaked out once they realized what I said and that it wasn’t a joke. Lots of excitement! For my husband’s family it wasn’t the greatest situation as we were with his family at his grandmother’s funeral. We didn’t want to say anything right then because we didn’t want to take any focus off of her. But my mother in law was too excited and she made an announcement, but it brought a smile to their faces.

Everything was perfect, three months in we are in the clear yyayyy!!! (So we thought) So we announced it to all of our friends and family on Facebook. We did Facebook live for the gender reveal even though my husband and I already knew, it was a surprise for everyone else. She was very active in the ultrasounds, and her heart was very strong. She was still too small for me to really feel her though, only once I felt butterflies and one time I felt a kick, so it was nice to see her move in the ultrasounds.

Everything was going well until nineteen weeks. We had an ultrasound and she was active and healthy but little did we know until a couple weeks later, (it was so long due to poor paper work at the ultrasound office.) We found out that she was behind in several measurements, so I was told to book a follow up ultrasound at The Civic hospital which is where they send you when they are worried about the baby, which I didn’t find out until afterwards. So I was worried but didn’t think anything too bad and I pushed the fears as far down as I could so I wouldn’t stress. I talked to several moms and they said their babies were smaller on the scales as well and they came out perfectly healthy. Also I kept feeling her move, well what I thought was her moving at the time ended up that it was just her tiny little body moving downwards as my body I guess knew that she was supposed to come out. So sitting in the waiting room for our ultrasound, I rub my belly and say I know you are ok, everything’s ok. So we finally get called in and we were asked why we were there, so we tell her because her measurements were behind, but we didn’t find out until weeks later due to poor paper work otherwise we would have come in earlier. She says ok no problem let’s take a look. So she puts the screen on and starts moving the camera around and she’s not saying anything but she had just started. I asked oh is that her femor, she is still silent and in a low voice, yes it is. She clicks a few buttons, takes a measurement, I think looking back now taking the measurement was just for show. She says I’ll be right back I have to go get the doctor so she can talk to you. And I ask is everything ok? She says the doctor will go over everything with you. My husband instantly says something is wrong, I just kept say no no, everythings ok. So we ended up having to wait over an hour or so for the doctor to come talk to us. So  the doctor arrives and she sits down and the nurse closes the door. She looks at me and says I’m sorry I have to tell you this but your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. I looked at her and said what do you mean, she says it looks like she has been gone for a while. I was in complete shock, then boom I lost my mind and cried like crazy. My husband hugged me and rubbed my back and I just couldn’t breathe properly because I was crying so hard. Once I finally calmed down a little, I asked what happened to her. The doctor couldn’t answer that since you can only see so much in an ultrasound. She said once they do an autopsy they will hopefully be able to tell you what happened. I was past 20 weeks so I had to give birth to her. She then asked me if I wanted to wait or get induced right away. I said right away as I felt she did not belong in my belly anymore. So I was to be induced the next morning. After we left the hospital, I started calling my immediate family, so one by one I said the same thing. “We lost the baby.” I was so numb, yet couldn’t stop crying. We stopped in to see a family friend who we know had a miscarriage many years ago, to get hugs and a little advice.  When we got home my sister was already at our house, I went straight to my room with the first teddy bear we bought for Rosa and just squeezed it and laid on the bed crying while my sister rubbed my back. All I could say was why would God give her to me and wait so long before taking her from me. She was healthy, what happened? I don’t understand, I’m so angry!! What did we do to deserve this? I just don’t understand! The rest of my family came over to show support and give big hugs, thankfully we have a very good support system.

May 24, 2017 exactly three months before Rosa’s official due date, we go into the hospital at 10 am to be induced which wasn’t until 12. As we walk in on our door was a picture of Angel wings so people knew not to just walk in and disturb us. My parents met us there and spent the whole day with us. My sister, brother, sister in law and one of my closest cousins came to support us. Contractions were pretty far apart and pretty easy for quite a while, but at one point I had to get shot for the pain cause they were getting pretty strong. As everyone was still there with us, the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to hold her once I delivered her, I looked over and my cousin started crying and left the room, everyone else started crying. I said I am going to go with your experience/judgment call. If you think she looks so bad that you think it would scar us for life (because well we weren’t quite sure how long she was gone for so we didn’t know how she would look.) If you think it’ll be ok for us to see her then I definitely want to hold her. As my contractions started to get stronger everyone left, except my parents. It got to the point the pain was very intense so the nurse called for an epidural but it was too late. It was one big contraction, so my mom ran to tell the nurse its time. The nurse cancelled the epidural came in with what she needed and she had enough time to put that pad to catch liquids under me, and turned the light off and closed the curtain, as she sat down I gave a good push and out came my baby girl. Still in the sac. The nurse had to break the sac to examine Rosa which took a bit of time but I couldn’t see anything cause my legs were still up. The nurse said she looks really good do you want to hold her, and I shot my hands out to grab her. The first thing I did was cry really hard and just tell her how sorry I was for not being able to protect her like I felt I should of; I was her house and I felt like I didn’t do the one thing I was supposed to be able to do. Then once my eyes dried up and I really looked at her, she was absolutely beautiful. Even though I knew she was gone I had stopped crying and I was content in that moment holding my daughter. I stared at her and looked at my husband and I said “she has your nose”. I had to convince my father to come around the curtain to see her as he was so hesitant to, but he did and he said she looked like my husband. She was absolutely perfect. Physically there was nothing wrong with her, she was just tiny 1lb, 11 inches long. And already had thick black hair. No wonder I had heart burn. The nurse took pictures of her and took her hand and foot prints for us. I held her for 12 hours and all I could do was stare at her all night. I was so scared something would happened to her, so I kept her cuddled in my arms and I continued to stare.

In the morning they asked if we wanted someone to come in like a priest. We had a minister come in to say some words to send her little soul to heaven.  I looked at my husband and said you need to give me a time we need to leave otherwise I will not be able to let her go. The nurses said we could take all the time we needed. But we knew the longer she was out of me the faster she wouldn’t look like herself. So he said 1pm, so as it got close I put her down for a minute so I could go to the bathroom and get changed. Even that one moment hurt my heart being away from her. Once I came back out I held her in my arms again staring at every single inch of her body. Wiggling her toes and kissing her nose. My husband held me as I held her and we both told her we loved her so very much and that we will miss her and that we would see her again one day and hoped that she would look over us. As I was crying again I kissed her several times and put her down so the nurse could take her away. The nurse asked if we were sure we were ready and I said yes cause if it’s not now I’ll never leave. The nurse took her out of the room, my husband and I just held each other and cried. We left the hospital and went straight to the funeral home to choose an urn for her. Once we were down there, we stopped at a plant nursery and we choose a beautiful baby lilac tree, so it’ll  grow over the years as Rosa would have, we also bought an angel statue for our garden.

Once we received our daughters ashes, we planned a memorial service in our back yard in front of her tree with the same minister that sent her soul to heaven. Lots of friends and family came to support us to say hello and goodbye to our Rosa Leia. Once we finished outside everyone followed my husband, Rosa, and I as I was holding her little heart urn. We stood in front of the fire place and had everyone light a candle that laid out to spell her initials. The light ceremony would light the way so she knew where she could come to visit us.  As the last words were spoken by the minister, I was numb the rest of the day, just going through the motions. Thankful for everyone who came, we were also glad that it was just us now. Be able to mourn without people saying how sorry they were, and their “advice” and “comforting words”. I told everyone to tell everyone to not message or call us until we were ready because we did the memorial for Rosa to say goodbye but too also be able to get all that out in one day and not have to deal with the sorrys constantly every day. Well that didn’t work, everyone finding out wanted to pass on their condolences and their “advices” anyways. We knew that it was all coming from their hearts and loving place but when you are so sad/hurt/angry you don’t’ want to hear any of it. Especially that “Oh you can have another one” “Oh I know someone who had ex amount of miscarriages and now they have healthy babies” Well good for them, at this point I don’t care I’m sad and nothing anyone says will change that I lost my daughter, she is not an accessory that I can just go buy another one. I created that beautiful girl and she is no longer with us and I don’t understand. “Oh shouldn’t you have known, did you feel her stop moving, did you this or that” If I for one second thought there was something wrong with my baby girl I would have been straight to the emergency room. As I did at 6ish weeks when I had a major cramp that scared me, so I freaked out and we went to the hospital. So thank you for making me feel worse then I already do because you didn’t take the time to really think about the words that are coming out of your mouth, and take into consideration of what my husband and I are going through. I have gone through every minute of my pregnancy through my head, trying to figure out what I think I may of done wrong or could have done wrong or could have done differently through the process. Over and over again, so I’m putting myself through enough punishment on top of my mourning, I don’t need people that have never experienced what we are going through putting their two senses in. I know that seems harsh but that’s exactly how I felt at the time. But I know I followed everything to the book, the doctor said I did nothing wrong and she was healthy, so I’d still like to know why would all of a sudden God would take her from me, maybe one day we will know.

We went to the doctor’s to find out the results of the autopsy, and results from my blood work. We were lucky and I say that cause I know there are many people who don’t find out what happened to their babies. It ended up being what the doctor said was like winning the lottery in a bad way, it was a very rare occurrence that happened. The umbilical cord was longer than normal and because she was so active and so small and had so much room to move around, she ended up twisting the umbilical cord into a small knot somewhere along the cord to the point that she was no longer able to receive what she needed. Also the doctor reassured me there was nothing I could have done, and that I did nothing wrong. My blood work was all perfect, I didn’t pass anything on to her, it was just pure bad luck. No matter how much the doctor told me, and science told me I did nothing wrong, and there was nothing I could of done to avoid the situation, it still didn’t take away the feeling of guilt. I felt like I should have been able to save her, to protect her. Still to this day over a year after her passing I still feel like something could have been done to save her, especially if we received the results from the ultrasound at 19 weeks when she was still alive. I truly believe we could have at bare minimum had a fighting chance to save her.

Two weeks after giving birth to Rosa I went to see my psychologist to let everything out and to make sure I was dealing and mourning in a healthy way. I was so very numb and went through crying spells every day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, I just wanted my baby girl. Our first grocery trip was pretty bad, we were good until we past the baby section and I just completely broke down. Then seeing people with their babies for the longest time just killed me and I would just cry and want to scream. As much as everyone close to me wanted to make things better they couldn’t, I just had to emotionally and mentally get to a place that I could think about Rosa and be sad but be able to start moving forward with life. My husband kept telling me she wouldn’t want us to be sad all the time because it’ll make her sad. I think about her every day. She stole a piece of my heart and took it with her to Heaven.

Losing Rosa was not only difficult for my husband and I but both our families as well and we all mourn differently. I went to see my psychologist to make sure I was mourning in a healthy way, and just having that ear to talk to that isn’t part of the situation made things a little easier, having his advice opened my eyes a little more. So I wrote Rosa a letter and made keep sakes, for instance I have a necklace with her last ultrasound picture on it with her name with a little angel wing. I also bought a ring with her name and birthstone, I also bought a second urn so when we decide to, we can bury one and keep the other. I also created a memory box, to put the keepsakes, and first things we bought for her. Signing up for a run, Aaron’s Butterfly run, to help raise money for other families like ours was absolutely amazing. Not only did we help raise money but we walked for Rosa and her memory as we are doing again this year and every year the run is on. Soon once I am officially done breast feeding I am going to get a tattoo in her memory, she will always be in my heart but I want to where something proudly every day for the rest of my life to represent her beautiful life. I’d rather have her then keepsakes but if that’s what I have and I can do to make it easier for myself I will do it. I am doing and will continue to do what’s best for myself to get through the day without my daughter. Everyone will have their opinion about when you should be done mourning, or when you should be moving on, or how you should be mourning but you know what, you do what’s best for you and it may take longer from someone to be “ok” then it was for me but it’s no one’s business to tell that person to move on before they are ready to. It's all about learning to live a new normal. My life will never be the same and nothing will fill the void. So all I can do is continue doing the things I have doing like making her birthday special each year.

Rosa’s first birthday was this past May 24th 2018, we went outside and stood in front of her beautiful lilac tree and wished her a very Happy birthday and told her how much we miss her and love her. We bought her a little cake and on it one candle lit. As I was holding her little brother who was 6 days old, my husband got me to blow out the candle. We put the candle in front of her urn that sits on our fireplace and as I looked into my son’s eyes I broke down and cried. He has my husband’s nose as Rosa did, so when I look at his nose I think of her. We will continue do make her birthday special no matter how much time has past.

When people ask is this your first, talking about my rainbow baby. I look at them and say my first living baby, I delivered my daughter stillborn last year. To be honest I don’t care if it makes other people sad or uncomfortable, they asked how many children I have and I have two. One is an Angel baby and the other is a rainbow baby. My daughter will never be forgotten, I will make sure to make her passing mean something. I will not sweep this under the rug as it never happened, I will talk about her proudly and I will make sure her little brother, knows all about his big sister in Heaven.

Every day is hard because I’m missing a piece of my life, a piece of my heart. There are days I still break down, and just hug my husband and say I want her back. When I am in the kitchen I always stare out at her lilac tree, and it always make me smile. No matter where I go or do I think I would have loved bringing her here, and this would have been her first this or that. I wonder all the time what her personality would be like and who she’d end up looking like. All the things I’ll be able to do with my son I will always think I would have loved to be able to do this with her. My son keeps me busy but in no way has he replaced Rosa, but without her, my son may never have come to be. God has a plan and I know Rosa is looking over Landon as his guardian Angel. I still and will forever love her unconditionally and miss her so very much. I have my moments where I break down and cry because I want her here with me but it makes it a little easier knowing she is with lots of loved ones in heaven that are taking care of her and keeping her safe.
 
To my baby girl Rosa Leia,
I never thought I could feel so heart broken. As I watched my tummy grow and felt the little butterflies, my love for you grew stronger and stronger. I delivered you at 10:40pm on May 24, 2017 and once you were put into my arms I couldn’t let you go. You have your Papa’s nose, such a cute little nose. I wiggled your tiny fingers and tiny toes. I’ve never felt so content in a moment as much as the moment I first held you. I feel so empty without you. But just know Mama misses you and loves you with every fibre of her body and soul. God has a greater plan for you even though I don’t understand nor do I like it. I have faith that you are in good hands in Heaven with all your family and friends. As you were so loved here on earth you are so loved in heaven. Please watch over us baby girl. Until we meet again my sweet daughter, my beautiful Rosa Leia!

Love Mama
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Thank you Melina for sharing your story with us. xo
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personal loss story: Théo

6/9/2018

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Théo Pagé is the beloved son of Claire and Francois Pagé.  Claire is one of the co-chairs of this year's Butterfly Run, and Théo is one of the babies we're specifically honouring this year with Charlotte & Théo's Butterfly Run.

Claire shared some information about Théo:
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"October 26, 2017 will forever be one of the best days of our lives.  It’s on that day that we finally got to meet and hold our beautiful baby boy Théo.  

Devastatingly, Théo had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH).  

This occurs in 1 in 2,500 live births.  The cause is not known. The doctors explained that most babies with this condition do make it but need a surgery to repair the hernia a few days after birth.  When Théo was born, he was strong and beautiful, and Claire and Francois were hopeful.

A few hours after birth, Théo was transferred to the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO), where he received the best care that he could get.  Later that day, he passed, due to complications related to CDH. Our hearts broke into millions of pieces and we were forced to go home with empty arms...  Although Théo’s passing was heartbreaking, we are so grateful for the 39 weeks (in utero) and 8 hours we got to spend with our son.  This little baby brought so much joy to our lives and he will forever be loved.

Pregnancy and infant loss is a heart-wrenching path that no one should have to face alone.   We are forever grateful for the immense support we have received from our family, friends, coworkers and everyone at Roger Neilson House.

We hope to honour our son’s life by raising awareness about pregnancy and infant loss, as well as giving back to Roger Neilson House."

“The loss is immeasurable, but so is the love left behind.”
Please join us on Saturday October 13th, 2018 to honour Théo and all other butterfly babies gone too soon. 
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Pregnancy After Loss: Expecting A “Rainbow Baby”

6/9/2018

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Today on the blog, one of our Committee members, Rachel Samulack (who was last year's co-Chair along with her husband Rob for Aaron's Butterfly Run), shares her thoughts on pregnancy after loss...

When Rob and I (Rachel) organized Aaron’s Butterfly Run in 2017, the committee wanted the run to be sustainable.  Rob and I feel passionate about sharing Aaron’s story, but we know that there are many other parents out there who would like to share their butterfly babies. Our vision was that the run would have new chairs every year.  This year, the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau is being held in honour of babies Charlotte and Théo. We are happy to see the run continue and the organizing committee is doing an amazing job of pulling the run together. 

We lost our first pregnancy at 10 weeks in 2013.  I first heard the term “rainbow baby” during our second pregnancy with our son Gabriel in 2014.  What does the term rainbow baby mean?  According to The Bump, "a rainbow baby is a baby born shortly after the loss of a previous baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or death in infancy. This term is given to these special rainbow babies because a rainbow typically follows a storm, giving us hope of what’s to come."  

It took Rob and I time to decide to have another baby after Aaron’s loss shortly after birth in June 2016.  We focused much of our grief and energy into Aaron’s Butterfly Run in October 2017, which was amazing as we met so many other bereaved parents and community was formed to support those experiencing infertility, pregnancy or infant loss.  After the run was over, I experienced another early pregnancy loss in November.  These losses have changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined.

Rob and I are now expecting another rainbow baby who is due in early October.  I am conflicted about using the term “rainbow baby” with this pregnancy because I don’t think that Aaron’s life and death was a storm.  My little boy taught me that we can love deeply without regret.  He taught me that life can be hard, but that a mother’s love for her child transcends life on earth.  I learned that we live in a balance.  Life is so fragile and precious.  Aaron was held and loved as he left this earth, which is all that any of us can ask for in our final moments. Gabriel asks about his little brother often and knows that they are both loved. 

As I feel the flutters of our new rainbow baby, I am both scared and excited for the future.  We went into our 20 week ultrasound with baited breath. The ultrasound technician knew about Aaron’s loss and quickly pointed out our baby’s kidneys (at 19 weeks' gestation we found out that Aaron was missing both kidneys which is incompatible with life after birth). The tears flowed down my cheeks for the rest of the ultrasound.  Gabriel has asked us repeatedly if we will get to keep this baby.  Honestly, I don’t know how to answer his questions.  

Pregnancy after loss is challenging. People expect that you will be “fixed” because of the subsequent pregnancy, but that is not how it works.  I have had a couple of people remark how happy we must be because we are now in the “safe zone.”  Through my experiences and those of other bereaved parents, I have learned that there is never a safe zone.  This pregnancy has been full of anxiety and I know that labour and delivery will have its own set of challenges.  We are so blessed to have our families and friends, amazing midwives, our doula and the social workers at Roger Neilson House who have been supporting us through this pregnancy.  

Carol Chevalier, one of the social workers at Roger Neilson House, along with students from the Master of Social Work program at Carleton University have recently completed a needs assessment on support for pregnancy after loss for bereaved parents who are considering pregnancy or are pregnant after perinatal loss. I have included an excerpt from the study below:
“The findings of this study suggest the critical importance of expanding bereavement services at RNH and other bereavement agencies to encompass the unique needs of bereaved parents as they grieve the loss of their infants while considering and/or carrying a subsequent pregnancy. Strongly emphasizing the importance of shared experiences at every stage of a subsequent pregnancy, the results of this study suggest that information and services need to be accessible and available and that supports need to be provided through peer-support models and concurrent groups, both drop-in and closed groups organized around stage of pregnancy. As bereavement models emphasize the longer-term components of actively living with loss, it is incumbent on bereavement services to tailor their programming to fully support bereaved parents as they experience subsequent pregnancies.”
​I am so thankful for the perinatal hospice and bereavement programs that Roger Neilson House provides for bereaved parents and look forward to hearing more about the creation of a program for subsequent pregnancy after perinatal loss. 

On Gabriel's due date (he was four days late), Rob and I went for a walk and saw a beautiful double rainbow over our neighbourhood.  I had no idea at that time that there would be another rainbow baby in my future.   I am hoping that both of our rainbow babies will be with us to celebrate the lives of our butterfly babies at Charlotte and Théo’s Butterfly Run on Saturday, October 13 2018.  
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More resources for pregnancy after loss: 

Websites: 
  • Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS) is a community support resource for women experiencing the confusing and conflicting emotions of grief mixed with joy during the journey through pregnancy after loss. www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com

Books: 
  • “Expecting Sunshine: A Journey of Grief, Healing, and Pregnancy after Loss” Alexis Marie Chute
  • “Joy at the End of the Rainbow: A Guide for Pregnancy After Loss” Amanda Ross-White and Lindsey Henke
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Infertility Sucks...

4/26/2018

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As you know, it's the tail end of Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (CIAW) and we’ve been trying to shine the light on the medical condition which affects 1 in 6 Canadians. In honour of CIAW, one of our Committee members decided to share more about her experience with infertility.
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Amanda, our Director of Communications on our Executive Committee, has shared her story publicly a few times before. You may recall some of her past posts which you could check out here, here, here and here, if you’d like to catch up on her story.

Here’s what she more recently had to say:
I’ll apologize in advance, because this isn't going to be one of those “this sucks, but I’ll shine the light on the positive” posts… This isn't going to be a balanced post, which speaks to the negatives, but also speaks to the positives of infertility… I’m sorry, but this is going to be a rant. I very well could shine the light on some of the positives of infertility (like having access to modern-day fertility treatments), and I have done so before; but at this time, I just feel like a good old fashioned rant. Anyone who struggles with infertility has most likely heard, that you just “need to stay positive” and “relax”... but those comments can be so isolating and insensitive, and can invalidate the real struggles of infertility. Medically, doctors state that infertility is as stressful as a cancer diagnosis. I feel like we always feel pressured to find the positive… and trust me, I used to be the most positive person I knew. But sometimes, it's nice to hear, and to have your feelings validated, that this just really sucks. Im even rolling my eyes at myself as I write this right now, that I feel the need to caveat this post, or apologize in advance for ranting. So for this reason, I am giving myself permission to take a moment to complain a bit. If you don't want to read about the difficulties of infertility, please feel free to skip this post, no hard feelings :-) But, in the event that there’s someone else out there reading this who is also struggling with infertility, I hope you might feel a little less isolated and alone… If you have similar feelings to me, I hope you feel validated. In the end, I hope you know that I feel your pain my friend!

And so the rant begins...

Infertility sucks in so many ways.

It sucks in the obvious ways... like having wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, being completely ready to have a child in all aspects of life (responsibly, financially, professionally, socially, etc.), having the strongest desire and yearning to become a parent, and yet not being able to.
  • It sucks having tried for three and a half years, having been pregnant twice thanks to modern-day fertility treatments, but losing both of those pregnancies to miscarriage. It probably goes without saying, but experiencing miscarriage after years of infertility, can be one of the most devastating experiences in someone's life.
  • It sucks having your patience tested month after month, needing to learn to be realistic as a coping mechanism, and having to ride the rollercoaster of ongoing emotions that are often fueled by hormonal fertility medications.
  • It sucks being told to “just be positive and it will happen” or to “just relax” when infertility is a medical diagnosis, and cannot be resolved by spending a day at the spa.
  • It sucks when one of your other main passions in life is to travel, but travel becomes impossible because all of your expendable income goes towards fertility treatments, medications, and tests. For vacations that may ever so slightly be affordable, it sucks that there are things like Zika which exist, and which prevent someone who is trying to conceive (TTC) from travelling to those areas.
  • It sucks having to plan your life around visits to a fertility clinic. It sucks having to explain to your boss, why you need to be late for work, or why you need to be away from the office for periods of time. It sucks looking like an absentee employee, or not being understood, when you may have as many medical appointments as a person undergoing cancer treatment.
  • It obviously sucks to have to do fertility treatments. It sucks pumping your ever so precious body full of hormones, growing what feels like 5-billion follicles in your abnormally massive ovaries, gaining the “IVF weight”, having your eggs surgically removed while not under anesthesia, and anxiously waiting to see what might happen with said eggs. It sucks putting all your energy, money, time, and hopes into a fertility treatment, and having it fail time after time.
  • It obviously sucks, not being able to have what you so desperately want most in life. It sucks needing to consider what your Plan B, Plan C, and even Plan D might be… It sucks not knowing when to decide enough is enough, and when you need to implement Plan B, or C, or D...

Infertility also sucks in the less obvious ways…
  • It sucks having an undecorated spare bedroom and constantly delaying decorating it… in hopes of one day turning it into a nursery.
  • It sucks having empty walls in a home, where you plan to decorate the space with things like a growth chart for a one-day prospective child.
  • It sucks trying to be economical and well prepared, by collecting things as you TTC (like a crib and childhood books), only to have them take up space and collect dust in your house.
  • It sucks having to cancel a big birthday weekend, because there is a slight possibility you might have to do a fertility treatment, only to have the treatment cancelled, and having it be too late to reorganize any birthday plans.
  • It sucks not being able to participate in physical activities you used to love, because due to IVF, you are not allowed to risk your ovaries turning over and cutting off blood supply to your oh-so-valuable womb.
  • It sucks having to take fertility medication. Things like injections suck for obvious reasons, but then there are fertility medications that suck for less obvious reasons... like progesterone suppositories (yes, I said the word suppositories… omg...). Trust me when I tell you, that suppositories do not help your sex life!
  • It sucks losing some of your friends, who you thought you would go through the different stages of life with. It might happen over time, but slowly, you just realize you have different interests and no longer have much in common… maybe you skip the baby shower because its too painful, maybe they avoid you because they don't want you to feel awkward, and then eventually, you just grow apart. It sucks having friends mistake distance for disdain.
  • With the friends that you do remain close with, it sucks not being invited to certain social events… like children’s birthdays, or certain holidays where there will only be couples and their children… it sucks feeling left out and left behind. And for the friends who do continue inviting you (I love these friends so much - you know who you are), it sucks being fearful that even if you need to turn down the invite, that you might not be invited in the future. It sucks being fearful that they might think that you will always say no...
  • It sucks losing a sense of naivety. It sucks learning that not all positive pregnancy tests end with a healthy, happy baby. It sucks being aware that not all infertility journeys have a happy ending.

From time to time I think that I might feel differently about this journey in the future. Maybe one day the stars will align, we will become parents (in whatever way that could happen), and this will all be worth it. Or maybe, we will decide we are ready to choose Plan B, C, or D, and accept our new path in life. But for now, infertility plain old sucks!

But, I know I’m not alone. I'm sure that there are also many other people out there who’ve struggled or are struggling with infertility, that might have a similar or a different experience from me. So I’ll ask you, what did you find most difficult? What was most frustrating or hurtful for you? What would you like to share with the world to help people understand how hard infertility can be?

Thanks for listening. Rant over.
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Ps: Do you notice that we’re smiling in these photos? Although infertility really sucks, it does not take away from the fact that I still love my life. I have an amazing husband, dog, family, friends, job, live in an incredible city and country, and I still have lots of amazing experiences in my life! Infertility does not discount that and it does not define me. But at the same time, just because I have a good life, it does not make infertility any easier. In my mind, there is no “at least”... because growing our family is what we want most in this world. But with that said, don’t worry about us too much - we are good to go! I just wanted to explain how much infertility can really suck, even if life appears to still be all sunshine and rainbows in all other aspects.
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Announcing: "Charlotte & Théo's Butterfly Run" / <<La course papillon de Théo et Charlotte>>

3/25/2018

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As you you know, the 2nd annual Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau is scheduled for Saturday October 13, 2018. In keeping with last year's tradition, we've chosen to honour new families for this year's Run. As you most likely remember, last year's Run was Aaron's Butterfly Run, in honour of Rachel and Rob Samulack's son Aaron who passed away 100 minutes after birth. This year, we will be honouring babies Charlotte and Théo, along with their families, and of course, all other butterfly babies who were lost too soon. So please join us on Saturday October 13, 2018, for Charlotte and Théo's Butterfly Run / La course Papillon de Théo et Charlotte.
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Charlotte's mother Anne-Marie Warren and Théo's mother Claire Pagé will be the Co-Chairs on our Executive Committee for the 2018 Run. Both Anne-Marie and Claire have chosen to share their stories about their beautiful babies gone too soon, in hopes of raising awareness around perinatal loss and supporting other families in our community.
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Anne-Marie recently suffered the loss of her sweet daughter Charlotte Anne. Anne-Marie, her husband Tom and Baby Charlotte went from CHEO's NICU department to Roger Neilson House; thinking they would only be there for a couple of hours, they were blessed to live there for 38 days. Anne-Marie hopes to keep Charlotte's memory alive by supporting others who have suffered pregnancy and/or infant loss and by giving back to Roger Neilson House for their continued love and support. ​
Claire’s beautiful baby boy Théo was born with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH).  Sadly, he passed shortly after his birth, due to complications related to CDH. Since then, Roger Neilson House has been a huge support to Claire and her husband François, through their Perinatal Loss Bereavement Support Group. Claire hopes to honour her son’s life by raising awareness about pregnancy and infant loss, as well as giving back to Roger Neilson House. ​​
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Thank you Anne-Marie and Claire, for sharing your babies with us, and for helping us remember all butterfly babies who were gone too soon.

Special thanks to our graphic design partners:
Thank you to hereness & thereness for designing our original Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau logo and graphics:
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Thank you to Chloe B. Design for updating our Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau logo for this year:
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Personal Loss Story: Amanda's Experience through Infertility and Miscarriage

11/14/2017

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One of our volunteers, Amanda, has recently experienced her 2nd missed miscarriage, after 3 years of dealing with infertility. She’s chosen to share her current thoughts on our blog today.

​Amanda says...

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of Canadians who experience infertility
​It’s sad but it’s true, and a hard lesson to learn for those who experience it. A positive pregnancy test does not always end with a happy, healthy baby 9 months later. In fact, 1 in 4 pregnancies in Canada end in miscarriage and 1 in 6 Canadian couples experience infertility.
Here we go again (or at least this is what we're thinking), while we experience our 2nd miscarriage this year...

But how did we get here? Here's a bit of our story, before we get to the present day sentiments:
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  • In 2015, we tried for a year on our own, with no success. We were referred by our family doctor to the Ottawa Fertility Centre (OFC) where I was eventually diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and hypothyroidism. 1 in 10 women in Canada have PCOS. It can prevent women from ovulating naturally, among having many other difficult side effects (weight gain, acne, the list goes on...).
  • During 2016, while under treatment with OFC, I took ovulation-inducing medication for 12 months. Unfortunately, all that those medications came with was a year of crappy side effects.
  • In January 2017, after 2+ years of trying to conceive, we had our first attempt at Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) with super-ovulation (SO). It worked and we FINALLY got pregnant! We were ELATED, to say the least. Unfortunately, during our 7 week early dating ultrasound, we found out that the pregnancy was not progressing normally. It took 3 more ultrasounds and by 10 weeks, the doctor confirmed that we had a "missed miscarriage". We were obviously devastated and we were given options of what to do next. Initially I tried taking misoprostol to medically induce a miscarriage, however after 2 failed rounds of misoprostol and another 2 months passing by, we realized there were still retained products of conception and I needed a medical procedure to finalize the miscarriage. Finally, in May of 2017 (after 5 months of the worst roller coaster ride yet) I had a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA). As our fortune would have it, this didn't work either, and I ended up having a D&C which was finally successful to terminate the non-viable pregnancy.
  • Needless to say, we needed to take a break during the summer of 2017.
  • In August 2017, we received a call from OFC that we were next in line for the Ontario government-funded In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) program. This meant that most of the costs of the procedure were covered under OHIP (things like medication were not covered). We did IVF in September and it worked, and we were pregnant, again! After all that effort and pain, it was initially reassuring to know IVF seemed to have worked. We were cautiously optimistic and thought that after all our troubles, this pregnancy was sure to work out. However, all that reassurance came crashing down when we experienced déjà-vu and were diagnosed with our 2nd missed miscarriage of 2017. It took about a month of repeat ultrasounds to receive the official diagnosis, but we ended up having a MVA at 9 weeks and 4 days (of pregnancy) to treat the missed miscarriage in November 2017.
  • Both of these missed miscarriages (or "silent miscarriages") were first-trimester “early” losses, but still heartbreaking nonetheless, especially following all of our struggles with infertility!
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So this brings us to present day...

​This current miscarriage might sting a little more than our last one because it follows an initially successful IVF treatment. Going through 3 years of infertility, with only 2 pregnancies and 2 missed miscarriages, is not an easy road. Being pregnant or experiencing a miscarriage for 80% of 2017 is not fun, especially when you have no baby to show for it. Life isn’t always fair and not every infertility road has a happy ending - at least that's how we're feeling at the moment. IVF is not always a miracle solution as miscarriages are just as likely as they are with a natural pregnancy. This is the unfortunate reality that I’m trying to accept right now.

No matter how hard we work, we cannot control our life when it comes to fertility. This has been a hard lesson to learn, since my husband and I have been people who have been told and who’ve learned that when you work hard, and if you work hard enough and for long enough, you can achieve your dreams. Unfortunately it seems that this is rarely this case with infertility and recurrent miscarriages. Or maybe we are just jaded and in a negative space at the moment... But these are our current sentiments. Unfortunately, words of hope and prayers get wasted on us at the moment - we feel we are more resilient and prepared when we are realistic and prepared for the worst. All we need is for people to say “that really sucks”. At this point in our lives, words of encouragement or hopefulness are more hurtful than they are helpful because we feel that we can not realistically live up to those hopes and prayers. Sometimes I miss our past happy-go lucky, everything is sunshine and butterflies, younger selves...

Other than the physical challenges of pregnancy and missed miscarriages, the emotional rollercoaster can be rough. Due dates like October 22nd and June 16th will always be difficult for us. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and even socializing with our peer group often surrounded by their babies is very difficult. We often feel left alone or left behind to fend for ourselves. And thinking about trying again is not as easy as it might initially seem. This will likely involve more testing from our fertility clinic in hopes to ensure I don’t have scar tissue or complications from the procedures I’ve needed to treat our missed miscarriages, genetic testing to see if these two back-to-back miscarriages are just bad luck or if there is another problem going on, a frozen embryo transfer (or a final 3rd transfer - we only had 3 embryos from IVF), and the stress and anxiety of it working or not working - all of these processes and scenarios are equally stressful for different reasons and this process can take months.

Although this miscarriage this time might have stung a little more because it was after IVF, at the same time, it was a tiny bit easier because I was empowered. I knew what resources existed in my community to help me get through this and I knew what to expect. I was not alone and I had knowledge. Knowledge really is power. This was the exact opposite experience I had with our 1st miscarriage. At that time, I felt like I was in the dark and our medical professionals didn’t provide us with any information to support us.

I have been volunteering for the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau this year. In case you don't personally know me, I’ve been the one behind the computer - taking care of most of our website and social media. And if you attended the Run, you probably met me at our Run Registration during race kit picks ups or on the day of the Run at our registration booth! I can truly thank the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau for arming me with this power of knowledge, this sense of pride, and this feeling of community. Without the Butterfly Run, I would not feel as strong as I do under these circumstances. It is for this reason that I’m choosing to share our story. I hope that by sharing our story, another person might feel less alone in their journey.

Because of the positive experiences Ive gained through the Butterfly Run, here are some scenarios you might consider if you're going through something similar to me. These are just suggestions, based on what I feel has helped me quite a bit this year:
  • If you want to be armed with a wealth of supportive resources to help you in your journey of infertility, miscarriage or infant loss, please check out the Resource section on our website and feel free to reach out to us!
  • If you are longing for a sense of more pride and are interested in volunteering to support other families experiencing infertility, miscarriage or infertility, feel free to connect with us and consider volunteering. We can always use more help!
  • If you are looking for a sense of community, feel free to message me (via our e-mail or any social media platforms) and check out our support groups listed on our Resources page

My hope is that no other people feel alone, afraid, or in the dark when they miscarry or find out that a miscarriage is imminent.

Also, I wanted to caveat this post, or end this post rather, with saying Im sorry if I share my feelings bluntly or if they are not the most positive thoughts at the moment... I don't mean to share these negative sentiments to offer the cruel realities of infertility and miscarriage (perhaps the first half of my post was a little dark and dreary). If you are going through this, or something like this, and feeling hopeful or positive, I do not want to take that away from you. Please continue to feel anything you are feeling! Every journey is different, and our feelings can change throughout this journey. Unfortunately, my personal feelings are not as positive at the moment, but I still feel they are important to share. By sharing these feelings, I do not want to take away your hope, but if by chance you are also feeling something similar to me, I would like you to know that there is someone who you can relate to.

If you're interested in reading more about our journey, here are some other stories/snipits I've shared during our journey (writing and sharing has also been helpful for me):
  • Our first miscarriage announcement on social media
  • Our 1 in 6 story with Fertility Matters Canada
  • Our personal blog journalling our experience with IVF

XO Thanks for listening! And hugs to you if you’ve been through or are currently experiencing infertility and/or miscarriage. It’s not an easy road but hopefully we can make it a smoother and clearer road together.
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Rachel's Letter to Aaron on his one-year birthday

6/19/2017

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Today marks one year since Rachel and Rob Samulack's son Aaron was born and passed away.

​Today, Rachel shares with us a letter she wrote to Aaron that she left with him during his internment and a follow-up letter she wrote to him this year in honour of his birthday on June 19, 2017.

A letter written to Aaron, left with him during his internment...
June 22, 2016
Dear Aaron,

Although your time on earth was short you are so loved.  You were such a blessing to carry – even for such a short time. 

Meeting you was the happiest and saddest day of my life. Happy because I had waited for what felt like a long time to meet you...and sad because the time was so short. You are such a beautiful baby and are so loved.

Gabriel, your dad and I were so happy to spend the 100 minutes that we had with you. You were so peaceful and beautiful. I know that you are not suffering now where you are but I miss you so much. I miss feeling you moving and touching you through my tummy. I miss the nights lying in bed and talking to you.

I love you so much.

Mommy. ​

A follow up letter written to Aaron, in honour of his birthday...
June 19, 2017
Dear Aaron,

A year has passed since you were born. 365 days. A year ago, I was in labour with you during the early morning hours, bathed in the light of a full moon. The morning dawned bright and sunny and the birds were singing. We had planned to go for a church picnic in the park and I had made cookies to bring along.  You had other plans. It was Father’s Day – what a day to be born. Your birthday was filled with such joy and such sorrow.

According to the medical world, you were incompatible with life.  You surprised everyone by spending 100 precious minutes with us after birth. You met your older brother Gabriel and squirmed when he poked your eyes and nose.  You stayed with us for another 20 minutes when Jodi (our amazing doula) turned on some of our favourite worship music. Songs that you danced to while I was pregnant with you.  You passed away in my arms, loved and wanted. I wanted to memorize every detail of your tiny body; your little fingers and toes, your strawberry blonde hair and your lovely lips.

Shelley (our wonderful nurse) and I gave you a bath and dressed you.  We spent time holding you and Veronique from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came to take photographs. After being at the hospital all day, we gave your body to Shelley and prepared to go home.  I heard a newborn baby cry in the delivery room next door and that’s when it hit me. You weren’t coming home with us. Leaving the hospital without you was one of the hardest moments of my life.  I had carried you, birthed you, held you as you left this world, and buried you, Aaron Isaiah Robert, all within eight short months.

The life that I live now is different than the life I lived before you were born. It’s like the watercolour painting that Gabriel brought home from play group.  There are the pinks and yellows of vivid sunsets, the joy that comes with being alive to experience them.  There are days that are as dark and black as the velvety night sky where the stars don’t seem to shine.  Grief sometimes blankets me in darkness when I least expect it. However, I also experience love. Love for all of our children. I miss the future that will never be. Seeing you eat your first birthday cake, wiping frosting from your hands and hair. We had balloons at your memorial service last year to celebrate your birthday.  This year we will visit the cemetery and leave a little gift for you.

The last year has taught me to really appreciate the support we have been given.  We have the most amazing friends and families. We have received such an outpouring of support after your death.  We have had many meals made for us and cards sent to remind us that we are not alone.  We love more deeply and realize how precious and short life is and hold each other close.

We love you and will continue to love you for all the days of our lives.

Yours always,

Mommy


Thank you Rachel for sharing such personal and heartfelt messages, and for everything you do to raise awareness about perinatal loss and support others who are experiencing something similar.

Rachel and Rob Samulack chose to coordinate Aaron's Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau in honour of baby Aaron and in support of all other individuals and families who've experienced loss of a pregnancy, loss of an infant, or infertility. The Run will happen on Saturday October 14, 2017 during pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

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The Hardest QUestion

6/8/2017

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You might remember our previous post, where Margaret, one of the volunteers for Aaron's Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau, shared the letter she wrote to her son Matthew, who was stillborn at 26 weeks. Margaret also experienced two first trimester miscarriages before her last child was born. 

Margaret shared with us some more of her thoughts around miscarriage and infant loss (also known as perinatal loss), which she summarizes as "the hardest question" - Read more below...
​For the last eight years, the hardest question to answer has been, “how many children do you have?” It is so innocent. Such an icebreaker. Strangers ask me all the time in the grocery store line-up, at the park, the hairdresser, the dentist. All the smiling people looking at me with expectation while I do this mental calculation.
         ‘What mood am I in?’
         ‘Do I feel like being sad or making this person uncomfortable?’
         And more importantly: ‘Will I have to see them again?’

Frequently in the grocery store or other places where I expect to never see the person again, I answer “Three.” But I always feel like it is a betrayal of the truth, of my firstborn son, my Matthew, stillborn at 26 weeks, and the two first trimester miscarriages I had before my last was born.

Occasionally I tell the whole story, but I can’t always stand the pity and the awkwardness. Most of the time, I am just in a hurry. I need to get this chore done because the demands of my three living children keep me pretty busy.

The new complicating factor is my six-year-old daughter who is admirably dedicated to honesty. If she ever hears me answer, “three,” she corrects me, “No, mommy, four. What about Matthew?”

I’ve always told my children about their older brother. We visit his grave. We take care of the flowering bush we planted by his headstone and we pluck the dandelions that grow in the grass around his resting place. We do the little things we can instead of taking care of the child we wanted.

​I do feel a responsibility to answer this question honestly because I felt so caught off guard when I learned my pregnancy wasn’t going well that first time. It was only after that bad news ultrasound that the stories of grief and loss came out. I had no idea that pregnancy and infant loss was so common and in a way I felt betrayed by that. If we had a more open conversation about loss, perhaps I wouldn’t have been so blindsided. When I deny the truth of my son and my grief, I am doing the same thing to the women and men around me. I am leaving them unprepared for the possibility of pregnancy and infant loss. I am abandoning them to a situation where they will feel alone, where they won’t know that resources exist, where they won’t know they have a friend to whom they can talk openly. Which is why if I think the person asking the question, “How many children do you have?” is someone I might see again, I try to tell them the truth in a way that lets them know it is common, it is a part of life and it isn’t fresh anymore so if you need to talk I actually feel like I have some capacity to do that now. If you want to talk, or if in the future you ever need to talk, you know you will have a compassionate, listening ear and you are not ever alone. 
Thank you Margaret, for sharing your thoughts on perinatal loss.
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​http://www.butterflyrunottawa.ca/

Email

butterflyrunottawa@gmail.com
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        • Aaron's Story
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