Infertility Sucks...

As you know, it's the tail end of Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (CIAW) and we’ve been trying to shine the light on the medical condition which affects 1 in 6 Canadians. In honour of CIAW, one of our Committee members decided to share more about her experience with infertility.

Amanda, our Director of Communications on our Executive Committee, has shared her story publicly a few times before. You may recall some of her past posts which you could check out here, here, here and here, if you’d like to catch up on her story.

Here’s what she more recently had to say:

I’ll apologize in advance, because this isn't going to be one of those “this sucks, but I’ll shine the light on the positive” posts… This isn't going to be a balanced post, which speaks to the negatives, but also speaks to the positives of infertility… I’m sorry, but this is going to be a rant. I very well could shine the light on some of the positives of infertility (like having access to modern-day fertility treatments), and I have done so before; but at this time, I just feel like a good old fashioned rant. Anyone who struggles with infertility has most likely heard, that you just “need to stay positive” and “relax”... but those comments can be so isolating and insensitive, and can invalidate the real struggles of infertility. Medically, doctors state that infertility is as stressful as a cancer diagnosis. I feel like we always feel pressured to find the positive… and trust me, I used to be the most positive person I knew. But sometimes, it's nice to hear, and to have your feelings validated, that this just really sucks. Im even rolling my eyes at myself as I write this right now, that I feel the need to caveat this post, or apologize in advance for ranting. So for this reason, I am giving myself permission to take a moment to complain a bit. If you don't want to read about the difficulties of infertility, please feel free to skip this post, no hard feelings :-) But, in the event that there’s someone else out there reading this who is also struggling with infertility, I hope you might feel a little less isolated and alone… If you have similar feelings to me, I hope you feel validated. In the end, I hope you know that I feel your pain my friend!

And so the rant begins...

Infertility sucks in so many ways.

It sucks in the obvious ways... like having wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, being completely ready to have a child in all aspects of life (responsibly, financially, professionally, socially, etc.), having the strongest desire and yearning to become a parent, and yet not being able to.

• It sucks having tried for three and a half years, having been pregnant twice thanks to modern-day fertility treatments, but losing both of those pregnancies to miscarriage. It probably goes without saying, but experiencing miscarriage after years of infertility, can be one of the most devastating experiences in someone's life.
• It sucks having your patience tested month after month, needing to learn to be realistic as a coping mechanism, and having to ride the rollercoaster of ongoing emotions that are often fueled by hormonal fertility medications.
• It sucks being told to “just be positive and it will happen” or to “just relax” when infertility is a medical diagnosis, and cannot be resolved by spending a day at the spa.
• It sucks when one of your other main passions in life is to travel, but travel becomes impossible because all of your expendable income goes towards fertility treatments, medications, and tests. For vacations that may ever so slightly be affordable, it sucks that there are things like Zika which exist, and which prevent someone who is trying to conceive (TTC) from travelling to those areas.
• It sucks having to plan your life around visits to a fertility clinic. It sucks having to explain to your boss, why you need to be late for work, or why you need to be away from the office for periods of time. It sucks looking like an absentee employee, or not being understood, when you may have as many medical appointments as a person undergoing cancer treatment.
• It obviously sucks to have to do fertility treatments. It sucks pumping your ever so precious body full of hormones, growing what feels like 5-billion follicles in your abnormally massive ovaries, gaining the “IVF weight”, having your eggs surgically removed while not under anesthesia, and anxiously waiting to see what might happen with said eggs. It sucks putting all your energy, money, time, and hopes into a fertility treatment, and having it fail time after time.
• It obviously sucks, not being able to have what you so desperately want most in life. It sucks needing to consider what your Plan B, Plan C, and even Plan D might be… It sucks not knowing when to decide enough is enough, and when you need to implement Plan B, or C, or D...

Infertility also sucks in the less obvious ways…

• It sucks having an undecorated spare bedroom and constantly delaying decorating it… in hopes of one day turning it into a nursery.
• It sucks having empty walls in a home, where you plan to decorate the space with things like a growth chart for a one-day prospective child.
• It sucks trying to be economical and well prepared, by collecting things as you TTC (like a crib and childhood books), only to have them take up space and collect dust in your house.
• It sucks having to cancel a big birthday weekend, because there is a slight possibility you might have to do a fertility treatment, only to have the treatment cancelled, and having it be too late to reorganize any birthday plans.
• It sucks not being able to participate in physical activities you used to love, because due to IVF, you are not allowed to risk your ovaries turning over and cutting off blood supply to your oh-so-valuable womb.
• It sucks having to take fertility medication. Things like injections suck for obvious reasons, but then there are fertility medications that suck for less obvious reasons... like progesterone suppositories (yes, I said the word suppositories… omg...). Trust me when I tell you, that suppositories do not help your sex life!
• It sucks losing some of your friends, who you thought you would go through the different stages of life with. It might happen over time, but slowly, you just realize you have different interests and no longer have much in common… maybe you skip the baby shower because its too painful, maybe they avoid you because they don't want you to feel awkward, and then eventually, you just grow apart. It sucks having friends mistake distance for disdain.
• With the friends that you do remain close with, it sucks not being invited to certain social events… like children’s birthdays, or certain holidays where there will only be couples and their children… it sucks feeling left out and left behind. And for the friends who do continue inviting you (I love these friends so much - you know who you are), it sucks being fearful that even if you need to turn down the invite, that you might not be invited in the future. It sucks being fearful that they might think that you will always say no...
• It sucks losing a sense of naivety. It sucks learning that not all positive pregnancy tests end with a healthy, happy baby. It sucks being aware that not all infertility journeys have a happy ending.

From time to time I think that I might feel differently about this journey in the future. Maybe one day the stars will align, we will become parents (in whatever way that could happen), and this will all be worth it. Or maybe, we will decide we are ready to choose Plan B, C, or D, and accept our new path in life. But for now, infertility plain old sucks!

But, I know I’m not alone. I'm sure that there are also many other people out there who’ve struggled or are struggling with infertility, that might have a similar or a different experience from me. So I’ll ask you, what did you find most difficult? What was most frustrating or hurtful for you? What would you like to share with the world to help people understand how hard infertility can be?

Thanks for listening. Rant over.

Ps: Do you notice that we’re smiling in these photos? Although infertility really sucks, it does not take away from the fact that I still love my life. I have an amazing husband, dog, family, friends, job, live in an incredible city and country, and I still have lots of amazing experiences in my life! Infertility does not discount that and it does not define me. But at the same time, just because I have a good life, it does not make infertility any easier. In my mind, there is no “at least”... because growing our family is what we want most in this world. But with that said, don’t worry about us too much - we are good to go! I just wanted to explain how much infertility can really suck, even if life appears to still be all sunshine and rainbows in all other aspects.