Personal Loss Story: Amanda's Experience through Infertility and Miscarriage

One of our volunteers, Amanda, has recently experienced her 2nd missed miscarriage, after 3 years of dealing with infertility. She’s chosen to share her current thoughts on our blog today.

​Amanda says...

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of Canadians who experience infertility

​It’s sad but it’s true, and a hard lesson to learn for those who experience it. A positive pregnancy test does not always end with a happy, healthy baby 9 months later. In fact, 1 in 4 pregnancies in Canada end in miscarriage and 1 in 6 Canadian couples experience infertility.

Here we go again (or at least this is what we're thinking), while we experience our 2nd miscarriage this year...

But how did we get here? Here's a bit of our story, before we get to the present day sentiments:

• In 2015, we tried for a year on our own, with no success. We were referred by our family doctor to the Ottawa Fertility Centre (OFC) where I was eventually diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and hypothyroidism. 1 in 10 women in Canada have PCOS. It can prevent women from ovulating naturally, among having many other difficult side effects (weight gain, acne, the list goes on...).
• During 2016, while under treatment with OFC, I took ovulation-inducing medication for 12 months. Unfortunately, all that those medications came with was a year of crappy side effects.
• In January 2017, after 2+ years of trying to conceive, we had our first attempt at Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) with super-ovulation (SO). It worked and we FINALLY got pregnant! We were ELATED, to say the least. Unfortunately, during our 7 week early dating ultrasound, we found out that the pregnancy was not progressing normally. It took 3 more ultrasounds and by 10 weeks, the doctor confirmed that we had a "missed miscarriage". We were obviously devastated and we were given options of what to do next. Initially I tried taking misoprostol to medically induce a miscarriage, however after 2 failed rounds of misoprostol and another 2 months passing by, we realized there were still retained products of conception and I needed a medical procedure to finalize the miscarriage. Finally, in May of 2017 (after 5 months of the worst roller coaster ride yet) I had a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA). As our fortune would have it, this didn't work either, and I ended up having a D&C which was finally successful to terminate the non-viable pregnancy.
• Needless to say, we needed to take a break during the summer of 2017.
• In August 2017, we received a call from OFC that we were next in line for the Ontario government-funded In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) program. This meant that most of the costs of the procedure were covered under OHIP (things like medication were not covered). We did IVF in September and it worked, and we were pregnant, again! After all that effort and pain, it was initially reassuring to know IVF seemed to have worked. We were cautiously optimistic and thought that after all our troubles, this pregnancy was sure to work out. However, all that reassurance came crashing down when we experienced déjà-vu and were diagnosed with our 2nd missed miscarriage of 2017. It took about a month of repeat ultrasounds to receive the official diagnosis, but we ended up having a MVA at 9 weeks and 4 days (of pregnancy) to treat the missed miscarriage in November 2017.
• Both of these missed miscarriages (or "silent miscarriages") were first-trimester “early” losses, but still heartbreaking nonetheless, especially following all of our struggles with infertility!

So this brings us to present day...

​This current miscarriage might sting a little more than our last one because it follows an initially successful IVF treatment. Going through 3 years of infertility, with only 2 pregnancies and 2 missed miscarriages, is not an easy road. Being pregnant or experiencing a miscarriage for 80% of 2017 is not fun, especially when you have no baby to show for it. Life isn’t always fair and not every infertility road has a happy ending - at least that's how we're feeling at the moment. IVF is not always a miracle solution as miscarriages are just as likely as they are with a natural pregnancy. This is the unfortunate reality that I’m trying to accept right now.

No matter how hard we work, we cannot control our life when it comes to fertility. This has been a hard lesson to learn, since my husband and I have been people who have been told and who’ve learned that when you work hard, and if you work hard enough and for long enough, you can achieve your dreams. Unfortunately it seems that this is rarely this case with infertility and recurrent miscarriages. Or maybe we are just jaded and in a negative space at the moment... But these are our current sentiments. Unfortunately, words of hope and prayers get wasted on us at the moment - we feel we are more resilient and prepared when we are realistic and prepared for the worst. All we need is for people to say “that really sucks”. At this point in our lives, words of encouragement or hopefulness are more hurtful than they are helpful because we feel that we can not realistically live up to those hopes and prayers. Sometimes I miss our past happy-go lucky, everything is sunshine and butterflies, younger selves...

Other than the physical challenges of pregnancy and missed miscarriages, the emotional rollercoaster can be rough. Due dates like October 22nd and June 16th will always be difficult for us. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and even socializing with our peer group often surrounded by their babies is very difficult. We often feel left alone or left behind to fend for ourselves. And thinking about trying again is not as easy as it might initially seem. This will likely involve more testing from our fertility clinic in hopes to ensure I don’t have scar tissue or complications from the procedures I’ve needed to treat our missed miscarriages, genetic testing to see if these two back-to-back miscarriages are just bad luck or if there is another problem going on, a frozen embryo transfer (or a final 3rd transfer - we only had 3 embryos from IVF), and the stress and anxiety of it working or not working - all of these processes and scenarios are equally stressful for different reasons and this process can take months.

Although this miscarriage this time might have stung a little more because it was after IVF, at the same time, it was a tiny bit easier because I was empowered. I knew what resources existed in my community to help me get through this and I knew what to expect. I was not alone and I had knowledge. Knowledge really is power. This was the exact opposite experience I had with our 1st miscarriage. At that time, I felt like I was in the dark and our medical professionals didn’t provide us with any information to support us.

I have been volunteering for the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau this year. In case you don't personally know me, I’ve been the one behind the computer - taking care of most of our website and social media. And if you attended the Run, you probably met me at our Run Registration during race kit picks ups or on the day of the Run at our registration booth! I can truly thank the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau for arming me with this power of knowledge, this sense of pride, and this feeling of community. Without the Butterfly Run, I would not feel as strong as I do under these circumstances. It is for this reason that I’m choosing to share our story. I hope that by sharing our story, another person might feel less alone in their journey.

Because of the positive experiences Ive gained through the Butterfly Run, here are some scenarios you might consider if you're going through something similar to me. These are just suggestions, based on what I feel has helped me quite a bit this year:

• If you want to be armed with a wealth of supportive resources to help you in your journey of infertility, miscarriage or infant loss, please check out the Resource section on our website and feel free to reach out to us!
• If you are longing for a sense of more pride and are interested in volunteering to support other families experiencing infertility, miscarriage or infertility, feel free to connect with us and consider volunteering. We can always use more help!
• If you are looking for a sense of community, feel free to message me (via our e-mail or any social media platforms) and check out our support groups listed on our Resources page

My hope is that no other people feel alone, afraid, or in the dark when they miscarry or find out that a miscarriage is imminent.

Also, I wanted to caveat this post, or end this post rather, with saying Im sorry if I share my feelings bluntly or if they are not the most positive thoughts at the moment... I don't mean to share these negative sentiments to offer the cruel realities of infertility and miscarriage (perhaps the first half of my post was a little dark and dreary). If you are going through this, or something like this, and feeling hopeful or positive, I do not want to take that away from you. Please continue to feel anything you are feeling! Every journey is different, and our feelings can change throughout this journey. Unfortunately, my personal feelings are not as positive at the moment, but I still feel they are important to share. By sharing these feelings, I do not want to take away your hope, but if by chance you are also feeling something similar to me, I would like you to know that there is someone who you can relate to.

If you're interested in reading more about our journey, here are some other stories/snipits I've shared during our journey (writing and sharing has also been helpful for me):

• Our first miscarriage announcement on social media
• Our 1 in 6 story with Fertility Matters Canada
• Our personal blog journalling our experience with IVF

XO Thanks for listening! And hugs to you if you’ve been through or are currently experiencing infertility and/or miscarriage. It’s not an easy road but hopefully we can make it a smoother and clearer road together.