Rachel's Letter to Aaron on his one-year birthday

Today marks one year since Rachel and Rob Samulack's son Aaron was born and passed away.

​Today, Rachel shares with us a letter she wrote to Aaron that she left with him during his internment and a follow-up letter she wrote to him this year in honour of his birthday on June 19, 2017.

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A letter written to Aaron, left with him during his internment...

June 22, 2016

Dear Aaron,

Although your time on earth was short you are so loved.  You were such a blessing to carry – even for such a short time. 

Meeting you was the happiest and saddest day of my life. Happy because I had waited for what felt like a long time to meet you...and sad because the time was so short. You are such a beautiful baby and are so loved.

Gabriel, your dad and I were so happy to spend the 100 minutes that we had with you. You were so peaceful and beautiful. I know that you are not suffering now where you are but I miss you so much. I miss feeling you moving and touching you through my tummy. I miss the nights lying in bed and talking to you.

I love you so much.

Mommy. ​

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A follow up letter written to Aaron, in honour of his birthday...

June 19, 2017

Dear Aaron,

A year has passed since you were born. 365 days. A year ago, I was in labour with you during the early morning hours, bathed in the light of a full moon. The morning dawned bright and sunny and the birds were singing. We had planned to go for a church picnic in the park and I had made cookies to bring along.  You had other plans. It was Father’s Day – what a day to be born. Your birthday was filled with such joy and such sorrow.

According to the medical world, you were incompatible with life.  You surprised everyone by spending 100 precious minutes with us after birth. You met your older brother Gabriel and squirmed when he poked your eyes and nose.  You stayed with us for another 20 minutes when Jodi (our amazing doula) turned on some of our favourite worship music. Songs that you danced to while I was pregnant with you.  You passed away in my arms, loved and wanted. I wanted to memorize every detail of your tiny body; your little fingers and toes, your strawberry blonde hair and your lovely lips.

Shelley (our wonderful nurse) and I gave you a bath and dressed you.  We spent time holding you and Veronique from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came to take photographs. After being at the hospital all day, we gave your body to Shelley and prepared to go home.  I heard a newborn baby cry in the delivery room next door and that’s when it hit me. You weren’t coming home with us. Leaving the hospital without you was one of the hardest moments of my life.  I had carried you, birthed you, held you as you left this world, and buried you, Aaron Isaiah Robert, all within eight short months.

The life that I live now is different than the life I lived before you were born. It’s like the watercolour painting that Gabriel brought home from play group.  There are the pinks and yellows of vivid sunsets, the joy that comes with being alive to experience them.  There are days that are as dark and black as the velvety night sky where the stars don’t seem to shine.  Grief sometimes blankets me in darkness when I least expect it. However, I also experience love. Love for all of our children. I miss the future that will never be. Seeing you eat your first birthday cake, wiping frosting from your hands and hair. We had balloons at your memorial service last year to celebrate your birthday.  This year we will visit the cemetery and leave a little gift for you.

The last year has taught me to really appreciate the support we have been given.  We have the most amazing friends and families. We have received such an outpouring of support after your death.  We have had many meals made for us and cards sent to remind us that we are not alone.  We love more deeply and realize how precious and short life is and hold each other close.

We love you and will continue to love you for all the days of our lives.

Yours always,

Mommy

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Thank you Rachel for sharing such personal and heartfelt messages, and for everything you do to raise awareness about perinatal loss and support others who are experiencing something similar.

Rachel and Rob Samulack chose to coordinate Aaron's Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau in honour of baby Aaron and in support of all other individuals and families who've experienced loss of a pregnancy, loss of an infant, or infertility. The Run will happen on Saturday October 14, 2017 during pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

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