What does grief mean?

​Grief is a unique and complex experience. To help me convey my experience and what grief means to me I have decided to compile a few quotes and images that have resonated with me. Some of the information below was taken from the Butterfly Run Ottawa Community Support Facebook page. If you feel comfortable, please share with us what grief means to you.

When I think about grief and what it means to me…it is difficult for me to put it into words. I honestly wish it meant nothing to me and that I was not grieving my daughter’s death. If I had to put it into words, I would say grief is depressing, miserable, unfair, lonely, isolating, exhausting, full of regret, intense, painful, and confusing.
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Some words that other members of the Butterfly Run Ottawa Community Support group have used to define how grief feels / what grief means to them are:

When I think about what grief looks like, I picture myself right after she died, crying in bed because I could not sleep. When I would get out of bed, I would drink all day. I isolated myself and barely spoke to anyone. When I did speak to anyone, I would just tell them I was fine. My faith was gone, and trust was lost. Grief completely changed me.  

​Several members of the community have also shared what grief looks like in their lives. Parents have struggled with impulsive purchases, blaming others, losing faith, and difficulty making decisions. I sure have experienced all the above and find it comforting that I am not alone.

Grief has been confusing because I often feel conflicting emotions. Sometimes I welcome the isolation so that I can cry and feel all emotions in peace but, at the same time, I want people to reach out so I could talk about Zalayah. I often feel guilty if I experience some joy or feel hopeful. I feel completely broken inside, yet I am still breathing and surviving each day without my daughter. Each month that goes by, I wonder what kind of person she would be and what she would look like.

At this point, I will share some quotes that I like that I feel will explain what grief means to me better than I can put into words. I have saved all of these quotes and read them often when I am feeling down and lost.   

What I have learned in the last year is no one can tell me how to grieve or what grief should look like. There is no right answer because every journey is unique.  I know that I will be on this journey forever and that is okay.