supporting someone experiencing perinatal loss

Have you ever wondered what you should do for or say to someone when you learn that they've experienced a miscarriage or the loss of an infant? For someone who has never experienced this type of loss, it can be difficult to know how you can support your friend, family member, or someone in your community.

There are a variety of ways in which you can support someone experiencing this loss. Probably the most important thing to do is to just let that person know that you are there for them and to offer them a listening ear!

But what else can you do to support someone experiencing this type of loss? 

To give you some ideas on what you can do to support someone experiencing perinatal loss, we thought we would share some personal tips from one of the volunteers for Aaron's Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau. Amanda and her husband have been struggling with infertility for a few years and finally became pregnant at the beginning of 2017. Unfortunately, this pregnancy ended in a devastating miscarriage at 10 weeks. Amanda shared some thoughts on how her friends and family supported her during this extremely difficult time - some of these may be helpful ideas for you if you are trying to also support someone who's experienced miscarriage or infant loss:

"When I went through my miscarriage this year, I was blown away by the ways in which my family and friends showed their support for my husband and I. It was probably the most difficult time of our life, but it also made us truly appreciate the supportive people we had in our circle! We were so thankful for all the ways in which people supported us!

Here were some of the things we found very helpful:

• Some people chose to phone us. Sometimes we would pick up, and other times we just weren't up for talking... but they would always leave a voicemail and let us know they were thinking of us. This was extremely helpful just to regularly be reminded that we had someone's support. When we did pick up, they would just ask us how we were doing and offer a listening ear. They'd remind us how much they loved us!
• Others would send text messages or Facebook messages. The most helpful messages were the regular follow-up messages. A few days would pass, but another message would pop up. The initial messages during a loss are always helpful, but sometimes it is more difficult in the days that follow, so it is very helpful to continue to have friends and family members follow-up. Some of our friends expressed fears that they would be annoying us, but in all honestly, that was farthest from the truth - it was very touching to know that we were regularly on their minds. 
• In the initial days after our loss, some sent or dropped off flowers. The flowers were beautiful and a lovely gesture to let us know that we were cared about.
• Many people mailed sympathy cards with personal heartfelt messages inside. Friends and family who took the time to write to us really showed us how much they cared!
• Some family members dropped off home cooked meals or offered to pay for takeout. When you are grieving, it can be very difficult to cook for yourself. Even the smallest tasks take so much energy. This was really helpful and ensured that we were still taking care of ourselves.
• My parents paid for us to go out on a few date nights. We had just spent so much money on the fertility treatment itself, that we didn't have a ton of expendable income to go on a date night. This let us get out of the house and get our mind off our grief. For awhile, our house became the place we would grieve, so it was really important for us to force ourselves to get out of the house and give our minds and hearts a break. Offering to pay, or giving someone a gift card, would be really helpful to help get people out of the house when they are grieving, and when they are ready or need a change of scenery. 
• Other friends mailed us a really sweet care package, known as the "Mama's Heart: Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss" care package, from Tenth Moon Mothercare. It came with organic tea, an essential oils candle, bath salts, card, and helpful information from the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network (PAIL). I didn't even know that care packages like this existed! I found this to be a very relevant and touching gesture! 
• Another friend gave me "Read Me When..." letters from Chapters Indigo. These were super helpful when I needed a good laugh. 
• ​Friends who had already been through the devastating loss of miscarriage or infant loss, were really helpful at providing a listening ear. We'd go for lunch or coffee and just chat about our experiences. Often times they'd make me something like a card, homemade soup, and lend me resources like the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart." One of my friends also referred me to the "Empty Arms, Broken Heart" online support group on Facebook. 
• When we were ready, friends and family spent time with us. If we were feeling up for it, we would talk about what we were going through, but we also found that we talked about our miscarriage so much (with each other, with the professional help of a psychologist, and with friends and family checking up on us via phone calls and messages) that usually when we were out, we just needed a positive distraction - fun times out of the house were really helpful! The psychologist reaffirmed to us that it was okay to do things and not talk about our miscarriage all the time, because your mind does need a break from the grief. 

These were some of the wonderful things that our friends and family did to support us!

In addition to this, we received professional support from Dr. Gervaize at the Ottawa Fertility Centre (OFC). We found this to be extremely helpful to get us through the hardest days at the beginning. 

Since experiencing our loss, I've also learned about countless other resources in our community to support someone grieving a miscarriage or infant loss. If you are experiencing the devastating loss of a miscarriage or infant loss, I'd encourage you to look into the resources available in our community. If you know of someone experiencing this type of loss, I'd urge you to share these resources with them and I hope that this blog can give you ideas on how to support someone experiencing pregnancy or infant loss."

How else do you support those in your network who are grieving? If you have any other ideas, we'd love for you to share them!

We'd also like to mention that its not only important for friends and families to support someone they know experiencing miscarriage or infant loss, but its also extremely important for our medical community to provide support. We'd encourage our medical community to continue trying to better the ways in which this support can be offered - it can be something as simple as having resources from the PAIL network on hand.

"Mama's Heart: Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss" care package from Tenth Moon Mothercare - this is the unwrapped package. Sympathy card on the left was an additional card (not included in the package). PAIL resources that are also included in this care package are not shown here.

A helpful book to read, especially in the early days of a loss, to help remind you that what you are going through is completely normal (but still sucks).

One of the "Read Me When..." letters from Chapters, filled out and personalized. Great when someone needs a good laugh!

One of the small booklets you can request from the PAIL network.

Another one of the small booklets you can request from the PAIL network.

The PAIL network phamplet - an excellent resource for medical professionals to keep on hand, to give to a patient during the unfortunate event of a loss.

Not everyone likes sending or receiving flowers, but personally, I really enjoy fresh flowers. I love the surprise of a delivery that I wasn't expecting, and it was so helpful knowing my friends and family acknowledged our grief and were thinking of us. I remember exactly who sent us each bouquet of flowers, and I think I will always remember they did that for us.