rachel's reflections on loss

Hello, I'd like to start by introducing myself. My name is Rachel Samulack and I am the mother to 3 children, but only 1 is here with me today. On June 19, 2016, I lost my son Aaron 100 minutes after birth. My husband Rob and I are organizing Aaron's Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau in his memory.  If you would like to learn more about Aaron and our time with him, you can read his story here.  

Today, my son Aaron would be 10 months old.  These milestones are hard.  I think about all of the things that Aaron would be doing at 10 months old.  He would likely be crawling all over our living room and eating all of the crumbs off the floor. He would have lots of teeth to try all sorts of new food as summer arrives.  If he were anything like Gabriel at 10 months, I would be exhausted because he would still be nursing like crazy at night. Now I am exhausted because I am back at work, juggling work/life/being a wife. I would be washing double the amount of cloth diapers.  Yikes.  These milestones are hard. Some months, I completely forget and other months the 19th hits me like a brick wall.  Last week also marked the due date of our first baby who we lost at 10 weeks in September 2013.  Pregnancy and infant loss just suck.  

The loss of Aaron has shaped the way that I think about the future and the present. I watch the children of friends who are the same ages as my two little ones.  I watch their interactions with curiousity and amazement.  I feel sad for Gabriel because I know how much fun it is to play (and fight) with younger siblings.  I get sick of hearing "Oh, you have lots of time" or "Don't worry, you will have another one." I am so grateful for Gabriel, my lovely, wonderful little boy. However, Gabriel does not replace the loss of Aaron and the expectation that I had for our family when I found out we were expecting Aaron. As Aaron's one year birthday approaches, I have to figure out a way to mark another milestone. A milestone celebrating the joy of his life and the sorrow of his loss. Joy and sorrow are now firmly intertwined in my life.  How do you mark these milestones?  How do you celebrate your babies who are no longer with us on Earth?  I would love to hear from you with the ways that you celebrate your butterfly babies.